Confidence & self-worth

I don't know if anybody can ever commiserate with me on this one: self-esteem problem.

I am always seeking for assurance surreptitiously (or openly?). I care a lot about how others perceive me; I know this is secondary as long as I am happy with myself but I just can't help it.

Especially now because I am not blending in? Or worse, are people distancing themselves from me? Do they find me snobbish that's why? I didn't even do anything, why is this happening to me?

When someone befriends me, I find that a form of assurance. Like "I am worthy enough to be in a small chapter of your life."

I am rarely praised. & surrounding me are people who are often showered with compliments. I am not jealous nor do I feel that things are unfair because I find those praises justified and factually I am simply not deserving of those compliments in the praiser's eyes.

Overtime, as these episodes replay on countless occasion, I feel exponentially small; consumed and drowned in my growing inferiority.

Not receiving compliments while (being the only one) standing beside someone being complimented is like a smack in your face, telling you that you're exactly not what your friend is.

& the worst thing one can do is to halfheartedly include someone in a praise as you are praising another. That person can sense your sincerity. That person is me.

The few times I remotely remember getting praised were when mom told me that her friends/acquaintances commented that Daniel and I look good. Then I told her that these are diplomatic responses and that her friends can't possibly tell her that we look ugly even if they find so. Other times are the annual Chinese New Year praises I guess..

Hence, I feel that I am below average. When strangers look at me, I would check if I look weird or if there is something on my face.

I need to stop feeling so insecure. If I am convinced by my inferiority, I am afraid that it becomes self-fulfilling.

Help.